


Quarantine Vlog #234 | Cutie To Bastard: Freakss' Rise And Fall From Power

by korns



Series: Trending: Kill's Lifestyle Vlogs [5]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angry Killua Zoldyck, Bottom Gon Freecs, Coronavirus, Determined Gon Freecs, Gon's Pneumothorax Strikes The Household, I repeat: NO SMUT, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, No Smut, Protective Killua Zoldyck, Quarantine, Rat Bastard Ikalgo, Sexting, Social Media, Soft Gon Freecs, Streamer Killua, Suggestive Themes, Texting, This isn't saucy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23740066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/korns/pseuds/korns
Summary: I don't know if anyone else thought about Gon's pneumothorax when this quarantine stuff started but... now we're thinking about it and so is Killua. AssassiNation goes on lockdown to protect Gon's shitty lungs and the collective household goes crazy because of it. Gon starts a TikTok. Killua learns about new fetishes. People are strangled. The world is ending and it's all thanks to Ikalgo.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Series: Trending: Kill's Lifestyle Vlogs [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1401319
Comments: 29
Kudos: 517
Collections: unpocodetodo





	Quarantine Vlog #234 | Cutie To Bastard: Freakss' Rise And Fall From Power

**Author's Note:**

> Read in a browser!! You can download this but the best experience is in browser :) I SPENT A LOT OF TIME (30 min) ON THE FORMATTING.

A house meeting was scheduled by Killua on everyone’s Google Calendars under a very serious threat: That he would punt everyone’s PCs out of the window if they didn’t make an appearance. Gon really had nothing better to do, so that rat bastard was there at five o’ clock on the dot. Once everyone else trickled in, Killua dropped an entire encyclopedia on the ground to get everyone’s attention. 

“Christ,” Kurapika cursed, a hand over his face.

“I’m awake!” Knuckle shouted.

Killua pinned them all with a sharp look. Gon swallowed hard, his hands on his knees, looking like the innocent bastard he definitely wasn’t.

“No one fucking leaves this house starting right here, right now,” Killua said.

“We _been_ knew, dude,” Ikalgo said, leaning over his knees. “Canary emailed all of us—”

“ _No!_ ” Killua yelled, startling Palm. Kurapika unplugged his ears like he was knocking water out of them. “You listen here, bastard. This house goes on lockdown _tonight_. No one comes in or goes out.”

“We get it! We have a stalker and her name is Rona,” Kurapika said. 

“Do we really?” Gon said. “I’ve never seen her—”

“He’s talking about coronavirus, buddy,” Knuckle said, giving Gon a pat on the shoulder. Killua karate-chopped his hand off of Gon. “Ow! Hey!”

“No one touches Gon,” Killua seethed. He crossed his arms pointedly. “Except me.”

Palm put her hand in the air, and Killua gestured for her to speak. “Isn’t that a bit excessive? He refrequently hosts snuggle parties.”

“What? No he doesn’t,” Killua said. Gon grinned off to the side, and if this was an anime, he’d be sweating from the nerves. Killua squinted at him and said, “The fuck? Is that why you’ve always got a time block reserved at the same time as Palm and Knuckle?”

“And Hatsu,” Gon said with a nervous giggle. 

“Hatsu doesn’t have a calendar,” Killua said, and when no one said anything, he ground out through clenched teeth, “Alright, which one of you sluts gave the dog a Google Calendar.”

Palm raised her hand, shameless. 

Killua picked up the encyclopedia and swung it up with both hands. He slapped it on the ground again for good measure. “Consider it _cancelled_ , you whores. No more shitty snuggle parties.”

“Aw, why?” Knuckle moaned, huddling into Hatsu, who was sitting on the couch beside him. 

Killua pointed at Gon and said, “Because this fucker’s _immunocompromised_.”

Palm gasped. Kurapika pretended to be surprised. Gon groaned, slumping in his seat so far that his ass left the cushion. “ Stop— _telling_ _everyone_ I’m immunocompromised,” he whined, fake-sobbing. 

“Yeah! He’s got the ‘rona, get it right!” Ikalgo said.

“I don’t have corona—”

“Did someone say Corona? I just bought a pack,” Knuckle said, about to stand up to fetch it. Killua went to grab the encyclopedia again, so Knuckle sat back down.

“No Corona!” Killua yelled. “No one touches Gon, Hatsu isn’t allowed in our room, and I will physically _strangle_ anyone who walks into the house that isn’t one of us.”

Palm rose her hand again. “Isn’t that contradictory? If they have the ‘rona and you strangle them—”

“Then I’ll bash em over the head with a ladder. I don’t give a shit,” Killua seethed, hands clawed in front of him, knees bent, ready to fuck shit up. He pointed a finger at Gon, who startled with a yelp. “Because _this fucker_ is in the Will Die If Infected zone and the rest of _you_ are in the same fucking boat.”

“Why? We don’t have compromised lungs—Oh, okay, I get it. Because… you’ll kill us if he dies. Okay, got it, perfect,” Ikalgo said, nodding and flashing an OK symbol with his hand. He leant back in his seat as Kurapika steepled his fingers under his chin, squinting at Gon. Gon swallowed hard again, pulling his knees up to his chest. 

They discussed the rest of the logistics—how packages would be handled, rotating sanitation duties, how shoes would be handled, the list of things that could get a person strangled by Killua—before ending the team house meeting. Killua skirted Gon out of the room before anyone else could even stand, and from the stairs, he glared at the rest of them before herding Gon up to their room as Gon whined, “Hey—I can walk just fine on my own—Killua—!” A few seconds later, Killua’s door slammed shut and reverberated down to the living room where Palm pursed her lips and turned to the others.

“So I take it the house is under Marshall Law now,” she said.

“Sure sounds like it,” Kurapika sighed.

It was the start of a new AssassiNation era, one that… meant most everything was normal except the fact that they could no longer have visitors, and their routine hired cleaning was suspended. It wasn’t like they tended to leave the house much, anyway. 

Killua was acutely aware of the fact that Gon was terrified of collapsing another lung, and neither of them could imagine what the virus would do to Gon’s already fucked up lungs. As soon as news about the virus rolled into the news and into the US, Gon spent a day in silent panic. At that point, the quarantine wasn’t instated, and the house meeting hadn’t happened. It was before California’s first death was recorded, and Gon was already tempted to never leave the house. Prior to the meeting, Gon hadn’t left their room in fear of the social goings-ons in the house. Ikalgo and Kurapika went somewhat frequently to eat out, and Knuckle and Palm did a lot of their grocery shopping. They would be, in all intents and purposes, the reason Gon would get sick.

When summer break happened for university students, Gon’s internship was suspended. They were aware of his medical history and didn't want to risk the influx of visitors from overseas and across the nation potentially _killing him_. And, so, Gon was in the middle of a “leave of absence”, unpaid, and (hopefully) temporary. 

So Killua had to crack down. He knew that rat bastard wouldn’t speak up—he didn’t want to bother anyone, and the one time he did speak, Killua wanted to punch something (preferably Ikalgo).

“Maybe I should go back to the farm,” Gon whispered the night after the meeting. “It might be safer if I’m just around Aunt Mito…”

Killua pushed himself up onto his elbow. In the dark of the room, the only source of light was the RGB lights on the motherboard of his PC. Gon’s eyes were downcast, his back to Killua, and his arms hugged around the pillow. 

The news was constantly changing the scope of the pandemic. If Gon left now, they wouldn’t see each other for… who knew _how long_. The shit storm that was the US healthcare system might end up ruining every exchange they had for the next _year_ , potentially. If they had to do it, Killua would be okay with it. 

It would be crushing to have to see Gon wearing a mask every time they hung out, and the chances were that Gon wouldn’t be able to return to his internship. Gon lived at the AssasiNation house now for the convenience of being close to his workplace. If Gon left now, he wouldn’t be able to move back to the house until the virus had completely left society’s shitty systems. It didn’t make sense for Gon to have to wear a mask in his own house when he’d have to wear it out in public. 

“We won’t get you sick,” Killua said, and Gon’s shoulders tensed, his brow furrowing. Killua dropped his chin to Gon’s shoulder and nestled in, his cheek to Gon’s hair. “We won’t get you sick, I fucking promise, alright?”

“You can’t promise that—”

“We’ll do our best. That’s all we can do and that’s all your aunt could do anyway so—just… fucking stay here,” Killua said, tucking his lips against Gon’s shoulders. Gon’s shoulders relaxed, if only slightly, and after several minutes, Gon fell asleep. Killua didn’t sleep.

The team didn’t really have to think about the quarantine for another week. They had already stocked up on food and supplies, but around that same time, they had ordered things on line. Nothing critical came up until the first of the packages arrived, and Palm went to fetch it—

—before she received a cold, haunting chill down her spine. 

She turned slowly, eyes wide, and caught Killua glaring at her from the staircase balcony. The murder on his face caused her to backtrack to the kitchen where she fetched disinfectant supplies from under the sink. Killua squinted at her as she continued to the door. She glanced over her shoulder three times as she gathered her shoes from the rack and left the house to disinfect the package. 

She sat on the stoop and scrubbed the cardboard down. Another chill shot up her spine. She looked over her shoulder and startled at the image of Killua glaring at her through the door window. 

“Jesus Christ…” she muttered under her breath, ripping open the cardboard tape. She shivered and shook her head and Killua from her mind.

When she returned from throwing out the box and disinfecting the package contents, Killua was waiting for her at the kitchen counter, scowling, and proceeded to watch the way she washed her hands. 

At one in the afternoon that day, everyone received an URGENT MESSAGE from Killua in the form of a Youtube video detailing proper sterilizing hand washing technique used in surgery rooms. 

“Isn’t this a bit excessive?” Palm whispered to Kurapika in the kitchen that afternoon.

Kurapika shrugged and said, “Do _you_ want to kill Gon?”

“I suppose not…” she sighed, like it was a shame that she felt that way.

Work went as usual, though. No one’s schedules were horribly altered by the quarantine, which was for the better. In fact, they were all able to stream more than usual without outside commitments getting in the way. Due to this, Gon spent a lot of time on his computer, playing games, and (dare he say it) _reading_. It was an exhausting activity for him, all things considered, and it helped knock him out at night.

It was a blessing that the AssassiNation house came equipped with a workout room. Gon could be seen there no less than three times a day. He drank more protein shakes than the entire house combined, and within a matter of two weeks, he could already see the effects on the scale in Killua’s bathroom. 

Gon gasped from the bathroom. 

Killua startled at his desk. Gasping was never a good sign, right? His mind went wild, thinking, _Oh shit, something happened. What if he’s dying?!_ He flung his headset off, and looked back at the hall that separated his room from the closet and bathroom. The chat went abandoned behind him, wilding at the sight of Killua losing his shit for a hot second and ditching the game.

“Gon?” Killua said, and received no response. 

He stood up to check, glancing back at his computer as he did. When he did, he caught sight of Gon in his webcam window shooting out from the bathroom in nothing but his basketball shorts. 

“Babe! I’m buff now!” Gon said, flexing both biceps. “I gained eight pounds! Check it out—”

“G-Gon! I’m streaming—I thought you were dying,” Killua said, swiveling his chair around. He strategically blocked Gon’s body with it from the webcam, but it was too late. Everyone had already seen Gon’s abs once before and on that day, they saw them again. 

Killua watched, eyes wide, as the train wreck commenced. Gon was bouncing and dancing like an absolute maniac, swinging his hips to and fro and cascading his hands down his sides. He had to admit: Gon _did_ look fuller now, but it was nothing he hadn’t seen before. He supposed it was hard to tell the difference when he saw Gon nude so frequently. 

“P-Put some clothes on! Christ!” Killua said, thrusting his arms up to block the stream’s view. 

“Aw, why, I look good, don’t I?” Gon said, shimmying his shoulders to and fro like he was getting ready to fake Killua out. 

And fake he did. Killua lunged to tackle him, and Gon jerked to the side. He rolled across the bed and bounded off the end to see what the chat was saying about him and if the chat thought he looked good. Validation was needed, and if Killua wouldn’t give it to him, the chat would.

“See! I told yo—AH!” Gon cried when Killua belly-flopped on top of him with a dense blanket in his hands. “Oh God!” Gon choked out, flailing uselessly.

“My eyes only, bastards,” Killua snarled at the stream where they were at the very corner of the webcam.

After that, though, and after Gon put actual clothes on, he found _plenty_ of content to validate his New Bod on Twitter. Unbeknownst to Killua, Gon was introduced to the world of TikTok after a hundred nameless strangers insisted that his dance skills could be put to use there. 

And plenty of use was given to these dancing skills of his. Within two hours, Gon was lingering once again in the background of Killua’s stream—only this time, he was clothed and propping up his phone on the nightstand. Killua didn’t notice for the first ten minutes of Gon’s attempt to record a video, and he blamed that on the heat of the moment battle he was in that, once one, brought him back to the chat where the chat was going wild over something Gon was doing in the background.

“What’s that idiot doing—G-Gon!” Killua cried. 

Gon was in full-on choreography mode. He paused to look at Killua and say, “I’m making a TikTok!”

“H-How do you know what the fuck TikTok even _is?_ ” Killua cried, only to still in horror. He twisted back around to look at the stream and screamed, “Which one of you fuckers showed him, _hah?!_ ” He grabbed at the webcam like he was about to strangle them, yelling, “ _I’ll fucking kill you, bastard!_ ”

“Hang on, you should do one with me,” Gon said, hurrying over. He wrapped his arm around the back of Killua’s chair and Killua lowered his hand from the webcam, scowling ferociously as Gon showed him the challenge he was trying to do. Gon beamed at Killua, who glared at it, salty and deep in thought. “What do you think?”

Killua sneered as he took a glance at the chat. That was all it took for him to see that the general consensus was _yes_ , he should make a TikTok with his stupid boyfriend. He cursed and reached for his mouse. 

“Fucking— _Fine_. We’ll do _one_. Just let me change the stream settings,” he huffed, and Gon jumped up with a triumphant shout. 

Thus was how Killua’s stream became titled, “ _Making A TikTok With My Stupid Boyfriend”_ , and Killua definitely, totally hated it. He even hated the fact that Gon’s first ever TikTok went stupidly viral with a grand total of six million views within 24 hours. 

They were looking at the stats the following night as Killua watched from over Gon’s shoulder, hugging him around the torso, scowling at the numbers and the stupid music from the TikTok playing on repeat on Gon’s phone. Weren’t they supposed to be sleeping? Or doing something else?

_Anything else, please, dear God_ , he thought as Gon squirmed around and giggled, saying, “I wanna make another one.”

“Maybe tomorrow. Go to sleep,” Killua ordered, and Gon insisted that he would, and so Killua closed his eyes.

Unbeknownst to him, that night Gon pulled out his earbuds and went on watching TikTok until the wee hours of the morning, and that was precisely why the idiot didn’t wake up until long past noon. Killua spent all of one in the afternoon pacing out in the kitchen where Knuckle was making bacon.

“Gon never wakes up past noon. What if he’s sick?” Killua said, worried.

“What time did you guys go to bed last night?” Knuckle asked.

“Fuckin’—I don’t know, maybe midnight?”

“Really? I saw him liking things on Twitter at four in the morning,” Knuckle said, and Killua bent his fork between his hands, screaming.

He could then be found with his head in his hand at the countertop, foot tapping on the barstool rungs, scrolling through Gon’s likes on Twitter. They were mostly TikTok compilations that Killua wanted to smack Gon for, but they were interspersed with fanart of the two of them—which he also wanted to smack Gon for. He scrolled blindly past a few text posts before coming to a screeching halt. Knuckle glanced over and stilled at the look on Killua’s face. He had never seen that look on Killua’s face.

Entirely blank, void of anything recognizable. Perhaps confusion? Was that concern? Knuckle couldn’t be sure, but anything to that degree was terrifying to him after seeing it on Killua’s face. 

“Bro… you good?” Knuckle said, setting the spatula down. “Are you still going through Gon’s likes.”

Killua slapped his phone down and said, voice cracking. “No. No I fucking wasn’t.”

“You were. Oh my God, what did you see?” Knuckle said, shutting off the stove. He rushed around the countertop, and Killua hid his phone in his hoodie. He shoved it right down the collar of his shirt and it slapped against his bare stomach. 

Knuckle shoved his hand under Killua’s shirt. Killua screamed, cursing up a storm as Knuckle fetched the phone, which was still wide open and displaying the Tweet Gon had liked at four in the goddamn morning.

Knuckle read it out loud, and grew hesitant the more he read. “[If](https://twitter.com/checken_patty/status/1251620135246454787) my boyfriend was a worm, I’d cut him in half so I could have two boyfriends…”

“It was four in the fucking morning. He probably thought it was funny or some shit,” Killua said quickly, but the panic was there. He started hyperventilating, fanning himself a little. “Shit, is it hot in here? Turn the fucking stove off, dude. It’s giving me a heart attack.”

“It’s been, like, almost three weeks in quarantine. People do weird things when they’re holed up inside for long periods of time,” Knuckle rationalized as he ran to turn off the stove. They kept their voices low. “It’s not like Gon’s got a worm fetish or anything.”

“Or does he?” Killua said, horrified. “I don’t fucking know! We don’t— _talk_ about worms! What if he doesn’t want me to know? Fuck, Knuckle—”

“It’s fine! Hey, if anything, it’s a compliment—”

“He’s gonna cut me in two. I need to make sure he didn’t order a guillotine on Amazon or something—Can you do that? Buy guillotines on Amazon? Fuck, I never looked—”

“He’s not that delusional. How much can you trust a person’s _Twitter likes—_ ”

“Gon doesn’t know that likes can show up on peoples’ timelines. Remember that time he liked some NSFW art of us?”

“Yeah, what was that art—”

“Were worms involved? Suddenly I can’t remember—Fuck—”

A door opened somewhere in the house. 

Knuckle and Killua froze, staring at each other from over the countertop. Their eyes went to the stairs simultaneously, and there, they caught the first glimpse of _Gon Freecss_ emerging from the hallway and heading to the stairs. Killua mouthed, “ _Help me_ ,” to Knuckle, who put a hand out as if to say, “ _I’ve got this_.”

“Hey Sleepyhead,” Knuckle greeted in as fond of a voice as he could muster. 

Gon hopped down the last of the steps and yawned, rubbing at his stomach underneath his tank top. He smiled at the both of them and said, “My favorite people, hello.”

“We were just… making some bacon. Want any?” Knuckle said. 

“Ah, nah, thanks. I’m gonna have a smoothie,” Gon said. He passed behind Killua and laid a kiss on his hair, unaware of the content Killua was hiding on his phone. 

Knuckle and Killua’s eyes met. The two of them watched Gon fetch a cutting board from under the counter and with it, a knife. 

_Christ_ , Killua thought, a sweat breaking out on his forehead. 

Gon went to the refrigerator. He pulled out the carton of strawberries that was growing sparse and depleted the contents onto the cutting board. He finished it all by setting out the empty blender cup and set to work severing the green tops from the strawberries. 

Killua’s eyes honed in on Gon’s hand, clasped around the handle of the parring knife. The blade glinted in the sunlight. It cut between the ridges of seeds dotting the strawberry’s surface. It separated the flesh with the ease of someone skilled with freshly-sharpened knives and—

_Oh God, I’m gonna die if I don’t do something_ , Killua thought, mind racing. 

“Hey, buddy?” Knuckle said, voice hollow with dread. 

“Hm?” Gon said, not looking up. 

“What do you… um, think about _worms_?”

“They’re cute,” Gon said, and Killua bashed his head into the countertop. Gon’s knife hesitated and he said, “What’s… this about? Is this about the thing I liked on Twitter?”

“Maybe…” Knuckle said.

Gon giggled and continued cutting. “Yeah, that was pretty funny. I liked that tweet.”

A breath of relief washed over Knuckle and Killua. Killua grabbed one of the strawberry tops and chucked it at Knuckle, screaming, “ _I FUCKING TOLD YOU, YOU IDIOT!_ ”

News about this misunderstanding spread through the house like a California wildfire. It reached Ikalgo who, after having spent his fair share of time digging through peoples’ old likes, became fascinated by what _else_ he could possibly find at the very back of Gon’s metaphorical closet. Perhaps he’d find some skeletons, or maybe even better—

—Old sexts between Killua and Gon. He quite liked the sound of that. 

Given their proximity these days, Killua and Gon had no reason to text and, therefore, lost their Snapchat streaks within the first day of quarantine. But that didn't mean content didn't exist anymore, oh no. All Ikalgo needed to do was get ahold of one of their phones and scroll back on their messages. He'd find something, he was sure of it. 

There was no way in hell that Ikalgo would get Killua's password, so that made Gon an easy target. It was rare, however, for Ikalgo to see Gon alone these days. Killua seemed to follow Gon everywhere around the house—except the three times a day that Gon frequented the gym.There, he would strike.

Ikalgo didn't work out much, but he knew a thing or two about the workout room, and that thing was the stereo system. Any phone could sync up with it, but they had to be kept close to the speaker controls. This meant that any phone connected to the stereo was across the room from the owner. It was exactly the situation Ikalgo needed.

Ikalgo reached the gym shortly after Gon did, Gon already had his music playing on the speakers. _Perfect_ , Ikalgo thought, snickering to himself. He hid his expression from Gon, however, who was doing pull-ups with his back to the door. 

Ikalgo cleared his throat, expression softening to an innocent smile. Gon didn't see him until he dropped down from the pull-up bar and turned, panting. 

"Oh, hey Ikalgo," Gon said, smiling. 

"Hey. I was just gonna go for a jog," Ikalgo said, gesturing to the treadmill. "Don't mind me.”

“Okay, lemme know if you wanna change the music at all. It’s just my usual playlist,” Gon said, completely unaware of how _perfect_ this was for Ikalgo’s plan.

_Play it cool_ , Ikalgo thought, giving Gon a nod. “Alright, sweet,” he said, and went to the treadmill. The two of them went about their workouts in general silence aside from Gon’s music playing on the speakers, and after warming up and stretching, Ikalgo said, “Hey, I’ve got a song I think you might like.”

He got to his feet and started walking to the speakers, and Gon perked up with a gasp, saying, “Oh my gosh, is it something I could use on TikTok?”

“Yeah, sure, I don’t give a shit,” he said with a wave of his hand. “What’s your password? I left my phone in my room.”

Gon gave him the password, and Ikalgo transcended to heaven above. “Just make sure you wipe down my phone afterwards! Killua will get mad if you don’t,” Gon reminded him, and Ikalgo waved him off. His fingers were already pruny from disinfectant wipes—another one wouldn’t hurt. 

He went to Spotify’s What’s Hot list and picked a random bop from there because he really didn’t give two shits what song he showed Gon. His brain was cycling over the numbers Gon had given him, committing them to memory.

That evening, Ikalgo left the gym feeling fulfilled and triumphant. He stood out back on the patio and let out a warrior cry that would have shaken the trees if this was an anime, but it wasn’t an anime, and so he just screamed and the neighbors once again regretted moving in next to the AssassiNation household.

Now, all that was left was to steal Gon’s phone whilst Gon was dead to the world. This would be the trickiest part. Gon was a night owl (if his Twitter likes were anything to go by), _and_ he was a TikTok addict, which meant that Ikalgo had to get Gon’s attention focused _elsewhere_.

But how could he do that when none of them were allowed to be near Gon? The gym was different—when they were working on opposite equipment, they easily had a six-foot radius. He thought about a hangout session that didn’t involve contact, and a movie came to mind. The movie theatre in the basement was _perfect_ for this sort of thing. Dim lighting, Gon and Killua snuggling on the couch, unaware of Ikalgo sneaking up behind and gingerly sliding Gon’s phone off of the armrest whilst explosions blared on the speakers in the room—

And that was exactly what he did. He sat behind the couch, aware that Kurapika was raising an eyebrow at him—the only person in view of Ikalgo’s scheme. Ikalgo put a finger to his lips to silence Kurapika, who shrugged and went back to watching the movie. Ikalgo tapped in Gon’s password and he silently thanked his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ from Celebrity Deathmatch. 

He immediately started scrolling through Gon’s messages with Killua, which were listed under the nickname, Babe. Ikalgo fake-gagged and kept going, hunting like a bloodhound through the woods of their inane conversations. He hit a particularly spicy spot that had him biting into his knuckles to keep from screaming with laughter. He screenshot them all and sent them to himself, saved them on his phone, and deleted the evidence. He scrolled back to 2017, when Gon was still in college, and gathered some particularly prime content from there. It was far enough removed from their current reality that they might be willing to put up with Ikalgo’s bullshit.

The next phase of the plan went as follows: Persuading Killua to let Ikalgo into the same room as the two of them for a collaboration stream. 

“Is it more fanfiction?” Killua sighed.

“Maybe,” Ikalgo teased with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Killua sighed again. “Fine. But you gotta take a shower before and disinfect the _fuck_ out of your gross, pre-pubescent bod. And I’m sitting between you idiots. I don’t want you breathing your disgusting dog breath all over Freecss.”

Ikalgo bowed sharply, and had a table been in front of him, his forehead probably would have snapped it in two. “Thank you, senpai. I’ll come over tonight at seven.”

At seven o’ clock sharp, Ikalgo knocked on Killua’s bedroom door. He came equipped with a print-out of the text conversations Killua and Gon had three- and two-years prior. He folded them against his chest so that when Killua opened the door, he couldn’t see the copy even when he ordered that Ikalgo show him. 

“No, it’s a surprise,” he said. 

“Ikalgo!” Gon cried, thrilled. “A visitor! Yay!”

“Yeah dude, how’s it goin’?” Ikalgo said, and before Gon could hug him, Killua stepped between them and rerouted Gon to the chair left of his gamer chair. Gon slumped into it, pouting, but perked up as soon as Ikalgo waved the papers out and said, “I’ve got some fanfiction for you nerds to read.”

“Dude, you printed them out? Weird,” Killua said. 

“What’s the genre?! Is it… _safe for work?_ ” Gon whispered, cupping his hand over his mouth so the microphone couldn’t pick it up. The microphone absolutely _did_ pick it up.

“ _So_ safe for work,” Ikalgo lied, grinning at Killua. 

Killua squinted at him and said, “Why do I get the feeling I should kick you out right now.”

“Aw, come on. We’ve done this before,” Ikalgo whined, and Gon chimed in, saying, “Yeah, it can’t be that bad! Let’s see it!”

Ikalgo held the paper out of reach and Killua caught Gon’s hand before he could pass the designated barrier between those two idiots. Gon pouted at him until Killua linked their fingers together and put them out of view from the camera. “Okay, here’s the deal: It’s a _sexting fic_ , and so I want you guys to read your lines, but reversed. So Killua’s gonna read Gon’s lines and Gon’s gonna read Killua’s lines.”

“That’ll be so many swear words,” Gon whispered. 

“I thought you haven’t been swearing this week?” Ikalgo said. 

“This doesn’t count as you swearing,” Killua said. “It’s supposed to be me. Pretend you're quoting me.”

Gon pouted, thinking about it. Ikalgo still had the papers far out of reach from Killua’s deadly talons. Killua glared at him and Ikalgo stared back until Gon made his decision. “Alright, fine. I can say some bad words today,” he said, and reached for the paper. 

Ikalgo dispersed the papers. Killua took his copy and gave it a once-over before freezing at a familiar line on the paper, and then all of the others he remembered reading before—vaguely, but enough to make him want to kick Ikalgo out a window.

Gon put a hand over his mouth and whispered, “ _No_ , you didn’t—“

“Where the fuck did you get these?” Killua seethed, reaching for his mouse to shut off the stream. Ikalgo grabbed the mouse, and then the keyboard when Killua lunged for it.

“Gon gave me his phone password, so I took the liberty of hunting down your sexts from when you two were long-distance,” Ikalgo said with a grin. 

Killua let out a strangled, frustrated sound just as Gon gasped, and then giggled. Killua turned to look at him, horrified, and Gon grinned behind his hand, still reading the paper. “It’s kinda cute,” he whined to Killua, pouting. “I wanna read it with you. Please?”

“You go along with everything this fucker suggestion,” Killua said, jabbing his thumb at Ikalgo. "You gave him your _phone password?_ Gon, what the fuck?”

“He has my best interests at heart,” Gon pouted, all glassy-eyed and precious. He bounced a little in his seat and said, “Aw, come on, it’s not so bad! We did most of our long distance… _you know_ … during phone calls anyway.”

Killua went bright red as Ikalgo burst into laughter behind him. Killua punched blindly at Ikalgo, clocking him in the nipple. Ikalgo crippled with a curse, falling off of his chair and grunting when he hit the ground.

**Gon:** I miss you 🥺  
  
**Killua:** God I hate that emoji  
  
**Gon:** 🥺  
  
**Killua:** Why do you always use that fucking emoji  
  
**Gon:** It’s how I feel 🥺  
  
**Killua:** It has bottom energy  
  
**Gon:** I am a bottom though!  
  
**Killua:** Yeah, my bottom  
  
**Gon:** 😳  
  
**Killua:** What, you like being called a bottom?  
  
**Gon:** I like being called YOUR bottom  
  
**Gon:** I told you I miss you, but do you miss me?  
  
**Killua:** No  
  
**Gon:** 🥺 Do you miss my ass?  
  
**Killua:** Yes  
  
**Killua:** Do you miss my dick  
  
**Gon:** Yeah 😩 I miss it being in my ass  
  
**Killua:** Fuck  
  
**Killua:** You’re so shameless, idiot  
  
**Gon:** You make me feel so good Killua  
  
**Gon:** What’re you doing right now  
  
**Killua:** Thinking about you  
  
**Gon:** Mm doing what?  
  
**Killua:** Sitting on me  
  
**Killua:** You look so good when you ride me  
  
**Gon:** 😳 I like when you kiss my neck when we do that  
  
**Killua:** And when I bite you?  
  
**Gon:** Gosh yea that too  
  
**Gon:** I like the marks you leave behind  
  
**Killua:** fuck you really don’t sugar coat it  
  
**Gon:** I just  
  
**Gon:** I really want you  
  


Killua breaks off to give a particularly sexy, breathless pant that has Gon yelping in his seat. Killua drags his hand up and down his chest and sticks his tongue out at the webcam as Ikalgo loses it off to the side. Killua laughs and Gon whines, head back, “It’s like you were there!”

Killua blushes and cries in horror, “D-Don’t admit that!” 

Gon slaps the paper over his face and fake-sobs into it. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Chaotic Discord Server](https://discord.gg/q2KXc2D) for your entertainment :)


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